At the Cross

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This never gets old.  It happened over 2000 years ago, but it can still bring me to a sobbing mess of tears.  The cross is harsh, confronting, painful, full of grief, brokenness.  I am so grateful for the cross.  But today is always full of emotion.  I, among many, am responsible for this and it grieves my heart so sharply.

And yet.

This had to happen.  It was always God's Plan A to bring us to a place where we are without sin in His eyes.  This wasn't Plan B because mankind made a mess of what was created perfect.  In the darkness of Friday I am grateful that Sunday is coming.

Lenten Restraint and Quiet Stillness

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Having taught my class about Lent and Ash Wednesday and Shrove Tuesday and the way we remember the season leading up to Easter I thought perhaps I should enter into the solemnity that is Lent.

I briefly considered doing a fast again.  Briefly...let's say, a nanosecond.  Doing a serious fast seems to work best for me when I am surrounded by others sharing that journey.  So for this period of Lent I decided to reduce my intake of sugary food to one dessert/cake a week.  No other sugar, and no bread or crackers or likewise for snacks.  Especially when I get home from work and dinner isn't quite on the table, and I could eat the very people in front of me, I'm so hungry.  These are the two things I think I need to push aside for awhile.  And while I'm pushing those aside I'm aiming for pulling in more stillness with God.  Perhaps my Bible on top of my computer will be a good start...

We are what we repeatedly do

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The last sentence of this quote has been stuck in my head.  We are what we repeatedly do.  I don't know about you, but I have a few things around the edges of my life that I'd like to change.  To do better.  To be better.  Not in a "change who you are" kind of way, but there are always things that we aren't doing so great at that need some attention.

I know you know what I mean.  I can't be the only one.

I posted, last week, about tackling my fear problem.  Even now I want to say lesser words, like stress, anxiety and concern.  But I know it really is all just fear.  Or not so much "just"!  I am praying my way through and claiming Truth over those feelings and I'm doing better.  Sleeping better.  On Sunday I made a very long list of all the things I had to get done at work by the end of today.  Most of it has been crossed off, and I'll tackle some more this morning.  Because I made the list on paper I've been less fearful of forgetting things, and then being more relaxed.  Repeatedly praying through my fear is making me less fearful.  It's working!

My next thing?  My health.  I just need to make, and act, on better choices.  My blood tests all told me I am in good shape, but the outside shell tells a different story about my relationship with food.  So, I am working on being more mindful, deciding on what I want that outside shell to be like, and then acting towards that.  Small steps.

What do you want to be, that seems like a struggle right now?  Let's be people that act excellent, in order to see the results that come from habits rather than willpower!

Overcoming Fear

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Last week I realised I have an issue with fear.  Actually it's been a problem for well over a decade, but I seem to be a bit slow on the update.  A moment of dumbness on my part, for sure.

It all started because of a couple of sermons at church, recently, about overcoming fear.  I didn't think much about it, until the week I went back to work.  Then I was back to my insomniac ways: whirring thoughts, waking up panicking over all the things I hadn't managed to get completed.  And then of course, we're walking Miss Sunshine through overcoming her very real, and understandable fears about driving on dirt roads.

Fear seems to have become a theme for the month of January!

Last week I realised that we use a lot of different words that are all different ways to say fear:  doubt, worry, anxiety, concern, despair, dread, panic, unease.  All of these feelings come from a place of fear.  When I realised that these were some of the adjectives for my early morning feelings I decided it was time to get this sorted out once and for all.

I am a Bible reader, and there is this great verse that tells me exactly what to do.  It's awesome.  It's one of my favourite verses, because it's so practical.  I've taught my school babies about this verse and watched them put it into practice and conquer their fears.  Apparently I'm not great at putting it into practice myself!!  Rats!

"Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything.  Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.  Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand.  His peace will guard your hears and minds as you live in Christ Jesus."  Philippians 4:6-7 (NLT)

 The first bit of the verse is where the turnaround begins.  Don't worry about anything.  That's not a flippant instruction or statement.  It is a directive to make a choice not to partner with fear; not to engage with it, to turn your back on it.  Choose a different way.  A better way is to pray about everything.  I love that I get to chat with God about the stuff I'm worried about and leave it with him. This is when I choose to remind myself of God's characteristics, his faithfulness, that he has already won my battle with fear.  That's what I choose to partner with, because that's Truth.

What was I worried about last week?  Getting everything done to have my classroom and my lessons planned for this week.  My room has had a new ceiling, paint, new roof, new lights, new ceiling fans and optic fibre installed over summer.  I didn't get the lights back up til last Friday.  Our internet network has been sketchy because it was also having a major overhaul.  I finally got to print stuff on Saturday!  I needed three days in my classroom, I had the equivalent of one!  So on Sunday night I decided to follow the advice found in Philippians.  I decided I didn't want to partner with fear.  I told God what I was worried about and what I felt I needed.  This morning?  I woke early, but later than I had been waking.  Not panic, no worry, no whirring thoughts going a million miles an hour.  I just lay there thinking about all the things I was going to get to do with my kids today.

Do you know what the antonyms for fear are?  They are great words:  calm, confidence, contentment,  faith, ease, joy, courage, fearlessness.  That's how I want to be able to describe my life!

My students came back to school today and we had a great time.  As much as I am looking forward to  having Wednesday's off this year, I can't wait to get back on Thursday.

A Season of Fasting

My favourite smoothie

Our church routinely has a season of fasting each year.  In the past it has been during Lent.  This year it is the first three weeks of October.  I've started a little early, because I have a couple of events on my calendar for which fasting just won't be practical or appropriate.  Also, the detoxing at the start is not something I wanted to do as I begin the school term next week.

And so it begins.  A season of physical restraint to see spiritual release.  I have a couple of specific areas I'll be praying about through these next few weeks.  And in the day-to-day I'll be trying to negotiate the challenges of what to eat, and having the kids cooking!

This year, unlike others where we've chosen our own fasts, our church is corporately doing the Daniel fast.  If you've read here long enough you'll know this is the fast we chose to do in the past two years.    I feel somewhat prepared.  I have quinoa and brown rice in my pantry.  There are a number of fruits with which I will make a fruit salad today.  Avocados are ripening in my fruit basket, and there are a mountain of different vegies in the fridge.  Meanwhile, I need to freeze the stock I made for the steamboat the other night and meat products that need to be frozen.  A little bit of reorganising, if you will.

Some of the things that see me through well include:

• My favourite smoothie: almond milk (unsweetened), banana, raspberries and cinnamon
• A very grainy sourdough toast with avocado and then topped with diced tomato & basil or cooked mushrooms
• Fruit salad
• Plain popcorn
• Almonds with dried fruit
• Vegetable curries with brown rice
• Vegetable stir fries with brown rice or brown rice vermicelli
• A plate of roasted & steamed veggies
• A Mediterranean style salad made with quinoa instead of couscous

I know that legumes should probably fill a larger place in what we eat, but none of us enjoy them overly.  And certainly we don't enjoy the after-effects.  I have discovered that legumes soaked and cooked at home, and then stored in the freezer have the least impact....but we still don't enjoy them.

A Season of Fasting

My favourite smoothie

Our church routinely has a season of fasting each year.  In the past it has been during Lent.  This year it is the first three weeks of October.  I've started a little early, because I have a couple of events on my calendar for which fasting just won't be practical or appropriate.  Also, the detoxing at the start is not something I wanted to do as I begin the school term next week.

And so it begins.  A season of physical restraint to see spiritual release.  I have a couple of specific areas I'll be praying about through these next few weeks.  And in the day-to-day I'll be trying to negotiate the challenges of what to eat, and having the kids cooking!

This year, unlike others where we've chosen our own fasts, our church is corporately doing the Daniel fast.  If you've read here long enough you'll know this is the fast we chose to do in the past two years.    I feel somewhat prepared.  I have quinoa and brown rice in my pantry.  There are a number of fruits with which I will make a fruit salad today.  Avocados are ripening in my fruit basket, and there are a mountain of different vegies in the fridge.  Meanwhile, I need to freeze the stock I made for the steamboat the other night and meat products that need to be frozen.  A little bit of reorganising, if you will.

Some of the things that see me through well include:

• My favourite smoothie: almond milk (unsweetened), banana, raspberries and cinnamon
• A very grainy sourdough toast with avocado and then topped with diced tomato & basil or cooked mushrooms
• Fruit salad
• Plain popcorn
• Almonds with dried fruit
• Vegetable curries with brown rice
• Vegetable stir fries with brown rice or brown rice vermicelli
• A plate of roasted & steamed veggies
• A Mediterranean style salad made with quinoa instead of couscous

I know that legumes should probably fill a larger place in what we eat, but none of us enjoy them overly.  And certainly we don't enjoy the after-effects.  I have discovered that legumes soaked and cooked at home, and then stored in the freezer have the least impact....but we still don't enjoy them.

She's Ours

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"Ooohhhh.  She's ours!"  My aunt made this proclamation as she hugged me tight.  "Us" who have little mercy and struggle to show sympathy.  "Us" straight-shooters who don't mince words, and tell it like it is.  "Us" who know these are not always strengths in a world of broken, messy people with expectations about how they should be treated.  I'm one of "us".

Changing churches four years ago ripped away so much of the belonging and being known that I had so treasured.  It happened under difficult circumstances as these things often do.  Rebuilding community and establishing new friendships has been slow.  Uncomfortable.  Difficult.  It has torn at the edges of my identity layers.  Not that who I am has changed, but who I am in the context of community just didn't exist for so very long.  In the first year or two at our current church I did a spiritual gifts survey.  Mostly it affirmed and confirmed things like me becoming a teacher.  I understood that my love of history and geography comes from my apostle/mission gift.  Apparently I am wise (a new career path kind of puts a bump in that road).  I have a spiritual knowledge that is supposedly heightened.  I don't know - these things just seem normal to me.  Then I looked at the bottom of the gifts.  Mercy was ... well ... almost missing.  I have just enough to know I need to work on it.

What I discovered, over Easter, as I spent time with my Mum's siblings is that my lack of mercy is a family trait.  I come from a long line of people who are not inclined to be overly sympathetic.  My mother described a time when my brothers and I had a week of injuring our feet.  A by-product of never wearing shoes that didn't seem to change our bare-footed ways!  I'd had a wort surgically removed from one foot, and then sliced the other open on some glass.  My youngest brother came in, just days later, having sliced his foot open in a similar way.  When my middle brother did the same thing later that week my mother's response was "sit down and be quiet," and she went to gather the foot dressing stuff that had not yet been put away.

I cannot explain what a relief it was to know that my lack of mercy is not unusual.  Each of us in my non-merciful family have other gifts the world needs us to use.  I among a beautiful group of people who are perfectly OK with their kids leaving home - celebrate it, even.  They are great at figuring out how to unlock passworded spreadsheets and fixing computer glitches and finding geocaches.  They are creative and funny and cheeky and they laugh a lot.

The precious gift I received this Easter was a repair in my identity.  Not just because the weekend was about remembering that Jesus made me part of God's family.  But because I truly belong to an amazing group of people.  And mercy isn't required to be valuable, loved, accepted.

All That's Left...Our Christmas Menu

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We are in "calm before the storm" mode here.  The shopping is complete.  The wrapping is done.  The fridge is stocked with everything we need.  It is my favourite way to spend Christmas Eve.  Quietly.  No rushing about.  After dinner tonight I'll make our pavlova - Nigella's Cappuccino Pavlova.  No Christmas with my family is even permitted without a pavlova.  My Granny was the ultimate pav chef and the mantle has passed to me.  She didn't feel she could attend any family function without a pavlova in hand.  I'm not quite that sensitive, but I use Granny's recipe still, because cornflour in a pav just doesn't make sense to me.  Not when Granny's recipe works so well.

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Tomorrow afternoon I'll potter about the kitchen for the rest of our Christmas feast, which we'll share with my parents and one of my brothers' families for dinner.  It's going to be very warm here tomorrow (33C/91F) so our family has opted for a summery menu with some hints of tradition.

Beyond My Picket Fence

~ Christmas Menu ~

Fully Festive Ham

Roast Pork

(apple sauce & cranberry sauce)

Potato Salad

Coleslaw

Asian Salad

Bread Rolls

Cappuccino Pavlova

Plum Pudding & Custard

In all honesty, I suspect this may very well be our tradition.  As much as I'd love a traditional roast it just doesn't work on a hot, hot day.  We always check the weather a week out to see what we want to do, and salads always seem to be the way we head.

I pray that your celebrations are filled to the brim with precious moments 

and the people you love most in your world.  Most of all I pray 

that the miraculous wonder of Christ coming into this world as a human baby, 

because of our need for his overwhelming love and grace, fills your soul.

IF Equip study on Nehemiah....

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I have been using IF Equip for my morning devotions for a few months now, and I love it.  All the other daily devotionals I've used seem to have a focus on the commentary of the writer, rather than the passage of Scripture being considered.  IF Equip flips that focus so that that the Scripture is the main thing.  And the commentary is in the form of a 2-minute video clip.  Not to share stories that vaguely link to the text, but to discuss how the text is impacting their understanding of God.

I have learnt to slow down in the text and use my critical literacy skills to think more deeply about what I am reading.  I journal often.  I never used to do that.  I can dive into the comments and read others' thoughts.  Or not.  I was doing that, but I feel like my time is so limited at the moment that I've been skipping it.  Also, because I'm doing this about 12 hours after its posted I come in on the tail end when the conversation is kind of over.  Time zone issues!

I have always really struggled to figure out this daily quiet time thing.  Yet my Dad was always such a great role model.  I have found that I am a breakfast-time reader.  I will read pretty much anything in front of me during breakfast.   Because I'm a slow learner on some things I finally figured out that breakfast time was a perfect time for me to sit with the Word and ponder it.  Right now there is no one else up and about when I'm having breakfast so the house is beautifully quiet.

The study on the Book of Nehemiah ... A Call to Restore... starts on Monday.  Well.  It's Monday here now, so it starts tomorrow.  I don't know, you'll have to figure it out for your time zone.  But for me, tomorrow morning it'll be waiting in my inbox.

Join me?

Join me - IF: Equip and their "Beatitudes" study

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My very most favourite daily devotional comes from IF: Equip.  There is a new devotional posted each weekday and their beauty is in their simplicity.

A portion of Scripture
Guiding questions for journalling
A 2-minute video clip discussing the text
A question to ponder and respond to in the comments section

IF: Equip has helped me to slow down in the Word and really take in what I'm reading.  Some days I journal and some days I don't.  Some days I comment and some days I don't.

There are no rules or expectations or systems to rebel against here.  Just me in the Word.  I can engage in community when it's helpful and I go as deep as suits me.  Often I am pondering what I've read throughout the day.

Join me?

Stories of Faith

A few years ago, now, I discovered that I am a real story girl.  Studying Genesis for a year, followed by studying Romans for a year showed me that I connect more deeply with people's stories.  Today in our church we are getting to hear people's stories.  This morning we had four people sharing, and somehow or another I ended up being one of them.  What a privilege and responsibility to share our stories, be vulnerable with our communities and speak Truth about how God changes us, no matter where we are in our faith journey.

What I learnt this morning is that when you share a part of yourself people share some little corners of themselves with you, in return.  I got to have some little conversations with people who were deeply touched because something of my story was echoed in theirs.  We are more the same than different, aren't we?

This morning I shared about my experience with loss and grief and deep wounds from two significant, specific experiences.  The game-changer for me?  Psalm 103:1-6.  At the end of working through my stuff and having some prayer ministry, and having precious friends walk that very difficult and painful journey towards healing, it was those verses that made me realise I didn't have to be burdened by the weight of what had so wounded me.  Those verses reminded me of how God had already given me freedom and victory - all I had to do was exchange my wounds for freedom and victory and live like a free, victorious person.  It was easy once I was ready to hand it over!

We are not normally inclined to going to church in the morning and the evening, but I think today is one of those rare days where I can't help myself.  We have four different people sharing tonight, and if this morning is anything to go by it will be so worth it.

Weirdest part of the morning?  Hearing myself on the intro video.  That is the most bizarre sound in the world!

So, in your journey of faith, what was your game-changer?

Is what you're living for....

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I have been watching a whole bunch of stuff online this week.  Ted Talks, sermons, McLeod's Daughter's (it can't be helped...good Aussie drama is always my gig).  Somewhere through the week I saw a video that asked this question in the background of whatever it was I was watching:

Is what you're living for 

worth Christ's dying for?

 What a great question!  Salvation is the most beautiful gift, but it isn't something that should be received and then stuck up on a high shelf for later.  The Giver of this gift intended for us to use it every single day.  It comes with responsibility.  The give of salvation is so enormous and so life-changing that it should propel us to live lives characterised by gratitude.  We should be sharing this gift and letting its purfume scent every aspect of our lives. 

That means using our gifts and talents for the good and benefit of others.  It means forgiving generously because we have been forgiven of everything.  It means loving others with an unconditional, immense, immeasurable love because Christ loved us like that all the way to death.  It means being gracious under fire, because trials are part of this life, and Christ showed us how to do this too.  It means aligning ourselves with God's purposes and his work instead of setting out to do our own thing.

Challenging question, huh? 

Faith Files: The Wait Space

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I wonder how you cope with and manage things when there is a lengthy period of time between a promise from God, and actually receiving what was promised?  Do you just rest, knowing that God's got it under control, or do you get all angsty and mopey and whiney.  Or frustrated and annoyed?

These past months have been long.  Dark.  Confusing.   I confess to all the angsty, mopey, whiney, frustrated and annoyed emotions!

Over recent months there has been a long space of time, for me, where I knew God had a plan, but I couldn't see that he was working on it.  I couldn't see if anything was coming together.  Well into this dark space we had a sermon, at church, about why God doesn't seem to answer our prayers.  I was super interested in how that question would be handled, because my father and I had just spoken a few days before and he told me that old "God sometimes says yes, sometimes no and sometimes wait".  My response to him was "Well, Dad, I don't like that answer much.  Because the wait doesn't ever sound like "wait", it sounds more like silence and the silence is dark and cold and scarey".  That silence just feels like there isn't an answer at all and you start to question what you think you know about God.  Does he really keep ALL his promises?  Does he really hear all my prayers, and are that really that special to him?  Is God who he says he is, all the time?  That sermon?  Said all the same things: yes, no, wait.  Not much help there!!

My season of waiting has been met with silence.  During our fast there were five specific things I was praying over, two of which related to our work and finances.  During those weeks of fasting most of the things I was praying for became worse!  The darkness closed in and I prayed harder.  More specifically.  More deliberately.  I started asking God why.  "Why, if you are a God who keeps promises, can I not see you doing that?".  I have been waiting for the provision of a job since I resigned in December last year.  In truth, I have been applying for teaching positions since August last year, because that is the season for advertising positions for the following school year.  I resigned because I absolutely knew that God was leading me out of the role and the place I had been and asking me to trust him to step fully into what he had planned for me.  Five months a long time to wait.  In silence.  When you're waiting for a job and the bills keep rolling in and it doesn't look exactly like God is quite meeting all the financial needs you have.

About a month ago I finally decided I was tired of being blown about by the winds of my emotions.  If God is a promise-keeping, reliable, unchanging God who loves me with an all-consuming love, do I really believe that, even when I can't see it and things seem hard?  Has God changed, just because I don't understand what he is doing?  So I had words with God one day and I drew a line in the sand.  Like Job, I decided to choose trust and worship while I waited.  I decided to choose to believe what I know to be true rather than what I felt like I was experiencing.  I decided that the space of waiting, between stepping out in faith and experiencing fulillment of God's promises to provide, needed to be a time characterised by worshipping God for who he is, not what I felt.  I needed to choose belief instead of unbelief and doubt.

When I became intentional about the waiting space in my life God showed up to show me who he is.  He showed me that he does not ever change and that my understanding of my circumstances is limited at best; that his ways and thoughts are so far above mine.  I learnt that trials are an expected part of life.  After all, if Christ endured trials, what on earth makes me think I should be exempt?  God reminded me that he is a solid foundation, a place of rest, the protector, redeemer, restorer.  He is trustworthy and fulfils his promises in the way he sees fit, not how I think I want things to eventuate.  When I let go of my questions and chose trust and worship I was able to rest in the knowledge that my future is secure, even though I can't see the path ahead.  I let the questions and the worry and the anxiety go and chose to just wait peacefully.

Three weeks ago I attended a job interview, after months of absolutely nothing to show for application after application.  I was told that I was one of only two interviews being conducted for the position, despite numerous applications from which to choose.  It was the most beautiful, amazing interview, and while I waited for the school leaders to deliberate, phone referees and make their decision I decided the best way to position myself would be to desire God's will.  If the position was to be mine, to give me a heart for this community and these students.  If the position was to be another's, to be content that God would bring the right job.  Because as much as I desperately want to teach, I want to be in the exact place that God wants me to be.  It seems to be that God likes it when I get to that place with him.  When I lay down all my cares and worries and desires, and choose a posture of personal surrender and preference for God's will in the situation.

Two days after I got to that place I was offered the position (can you say "happy dance"!!!)

The 'wait space' is difficult in so many ways.  But this has ended up being a beautiful learning time in which I have again learnt that God does indeed fulfil his promises.  It's hard to remember, in the wait space, that his plans are always good and always the best for us, even when they don't quite look how we wanted them to.   I didn't think I wanted to travel more than 15 minutes and I didn't feel excited about teaching the top end of Primary school.  During my interview and the trip there and back I've realised God knows best.  The half-hour trip will be the perfect buffer between work and home.  A half hour of my own thoughts in the silence of my own car, driving myself instead of the learner driver thing.  And I know I will fall in love with the students I get to share my days with.  I can't wait to get started!  Mid-July seems so far away!!!!

What I know is that the wait space can be a beautiful place of trust, worship, belief and surrender.  It requires us to lead our souls beyond our emotions and to choose what we know to be true.  And God shows up.  He is absolutely and completely a good Father who knows the plans he has for our success and future and blessing.

The wait space can be a blessing too.

My Flash of Easter Bunny Brilliance

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It isn't often I have moments of brilliance.  Generally speaking I would say I rely on the brilliance of others and then set about to make brilliant things happen.  You can imagine, then, that those rare flashes of brilliance are quite remarkable!

In the last week of term I was teaching a Prep/1 class in a Christian school.  Easter and Christmas are the most challenging seasons in such a school when it comes to beliefs around these two important church celebrations.  And the challenge centres around this:  To Easter Bunny/Santa or Not to Easter Bunny/Santa.

In our house, we chose to go without bunnies and santas and whatever other things are not strictly about the Biblical reason behind these celebrations.  We have reasons for our decisions, but we hold absolutely no judgement on those who take the opposite approach.  It is such a personal choice.  You can imagine then, in a Christian school, where there is a fair portion of the population in either camp that kids get confused.  Some proclaim the Easter Bunny fictitious and others are determined it is real.  This is one argument I was adamant my own children were to avoid.  I told them they had no right to ruin things for another child when their parents had made a decision that was different from ours.

So what does one do when the children in front of you are beginning this debate? 
"My Mum says there is no Easter Bunny!" 
"What do you mean?  Of course there is an Easter Bunny.  Where do you think the eggs come from?" 

I put a stop to the debate right there.  And in my moment of brilliance I told my precious little people this:
"Some parents get the Easter Bunny to help them deliver eggs, and some parents choose not to have the Easter Bunny help.  It is up to your parents how that works at your house".

Disaster averted.  Both camps allowed to hold their beliefs. 

Brilliance indeed.

First Meal Post Fast

Tonight marked the end of our 40-day fast.  What a marathan!  To celebrate and begin the careful return to 'normal' (I think normal might be a little different in the future) we enjoyed roast chicken with vegies for dinner, and Shauna Niequist's Blueberry Crisp recipe over pie apples and frozen strawberries.  The only alteration I make:  shredded coconut, because no 'crisp' or 'crumble' recipe is quite right without it, in our house.  I love that maple syrup is the sweetner and almond meal is used instead of flour.  Not Miss Sunshine friendly, but she's not home for dinner tonight.

And strangely, as much as I enjoy meat, it's not as exciting as I always think it will be.  Not as exciting as the Salt and Pepper Squid we had the other night.  After a difficult week on the job-front Dh decided a slight flex in our fast was in order.  And he was right.  I could eat bucket-loads of that particular version which comes on a pile of the best salad I've ever tasted. 

As for our fast and the things we have been praying for?  Let's just say there is a great deal of frustration in the "slow-burn" that happens before things explode and everything changes (thank you Dawn Cherie Wilkinson for that perfect illustration and language!).  But, like Job in the Old Testament, I choose to trust and worship even though I can't see anything changing or improving.

This past week I have been teaching in the Prep classroom where I used to work while their teacher is in the US on a dream-fulfilling holiday.  We read through the Easter story throughout the week and I am, again, profoundly moved by the contrast in people's attitudes to Jesus between Palm Sunday and Good Friday.  I want to spend some time this week moving slowly through the story as it unfolds this week and allow God to work deeply in my spirit through this, most important, story of the gospels.

Colourful Reflections

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I still haven't fully digested everything from the Colour Conference last week.  In actual fact, I'm not exactly sure how to go about sitting with it all and working out what to do next.  There was just so much that was amazing and pure gold from some incredible women.

So let's start with the things that surprised me and had to be overcome:

• Moving 13,500 women in a small area.  I chose to stay in with a lunch I had made in my room beforehand rather than head out to find something.  Us introverts need a little bit of head space to stay sane.  It was better to wait 10 minutes or go 5 minutes early than endure the crush!
• Hand-waving, head-banging worship. This is NOT my jam.  I am not a happy-clappy type but I'm quite comfortable about other people worshipping how they will...as long as they let me be.  And that was fine for the most part.  One of the young women who was worship leading did a little bit of head-banging.  I just stood there wondering "how is she doing that? and how is she staying upright?"  I am certain I would tip over on my head and hurt myself if I tried it.  And in truth all the women in our group felt the same.  But it was entertaining I guess.
• Hillsong-specific sessions.  There was one or two sessions that were really all about the Hillsong church.  And that's just fine, but I wish I'd known.  I would have skipped the Friday afternoon session.
• Taking up offerings.  As a conference delegate who is not a member or attender of the Hillsong church I found this a little odd.  I had paid to be there.  Also, we support our own church with our tithes and offerings, which include a local and international missions.  I chose not to contribute over the weekend, and I caught up our giving this morning, after a couple of weeks away.

That being said...there was so much more that was just pure gold and I have been pondering these things in my heart:

• Sheila Walsh.  This woman is an incredible, faithful woman with a powerful story.  And a witty sense of humour that was absolutely my jam!  Her Scottish accent made her just that little bit funnier.  So she made me laugh and she made me cry.  She reminded me that Satan seeks to erode and destroy our trust in God by twisting his words and promises and skewing things with a little truth and a lot of lies.  My big take away from her was that we do not have to clean ourselves up to come to the Father and that living in this days takes vulnerability and connectedness.  We need to be truth-tellers with nothing hidden, and we need to be in community with others who help us to live according to the truth instead of how we feel.
• DawnCherie Wilkerson.  I wasn't sure about DC in the first session.  She is young; too young to know much about life, I thought.  But the second session blew me away.  She talked about faith being like dynamite.  While the fuse is burning it looks like nothing much is happening and it can be frustrating.  But faithfulness happens in that time of 'slow burn'.  Once the slow burn is over though, things will explode and everything changes. 
  God's delays are not God's denials.  So profound for this season in our lives!
• Fellowship.  I got to spend the weekend with some beautiful women from my church.  I got to know some women, and I got to know others better.  This morning was very special as I caught up with a few of them.  The shared journey and experience has bonded us in ways that are very precious.

Next year's conferences are already filling up, for Sydney.  They are pulling down the arena we were in so they will do four conferences in the Hillsong church venue (instead of two).  Melbournites do not understand this development.  In Melbourne we have tons of arenas, with rooves, without rooves, holding more than this one did.  We never pull them down.  We made them bigger and we build more.  This is how we get to be the sporting capital of the country.  We have decided Colour should move to Melbourne.  Of course, that probably won't happen, but we have the places!

I am aiming to go again next year.  I am willing to take four days off work (hopefully!!!) to go and be completely blessed again.

Prayer: What it is. What it is not.

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Prayer is a funny ol' thing.  It is something we often forget to do until we get to the end of ourselves, or when we are desperate.  Prayer often feels like we're not doing very much.  I'd like to challenge that notion today.

What prayer is not.

Prayer is not something to settle for when we feel like we can't do anything productive to change or help a situation.  It is not the last resort or the thing we do because we are helpless.  It is not benign or useless.

What prayer is.
 Prayer is the intentional action of people who believe that God can and will work in circumstances.  Prayer is tapping into the full might and power of the Heavenlies and unleashing its incredible potency on Earth.  Prayer is the deliberate act of doing battle over things in which we want to see breakthrough and transformation. 

When we began our fast we were told to be very clear about the things we were fasting for and the things we were fasting from.  This has been helpful for me.  Along the way I've added another situation to my little list, but I have remained steadfast on the things I am fasting for.  Most mornings I wake around 4am and I do battle.  I put on the armour of God and I fight for the circumstances that need to change.  And I do not feel useless.  I claim the victory that Jesus has already given us and I get to stand in the gap for people I care about.  I get to sit in the very throne room of God and bring to him the things that burden my heart.  He hears my prayers and I know he is working on these circumstances, even when I can't necessarily see it.

The thing with prayer and fasting is that we won't necessarily see breakthrough immediately.  But it will come in the right time.

Prayer is the certainty that God does indeed work.

Forty Days of Lent - 9 days in

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One of the things I love about participating in a church-wide fast is that a large proportion of people are on the same journey.  We choose different things from which to abstain.  We are not legalistic, because life must be lived.  But the unity that comes in assuming (mostly correctly) that everyone is fasting something offers a huge sense of camaraderie.  On days when it just feels too hard that camaraderie is gold.

In our church, we are constantly reminded that we are denying ourselves of something natural so that we become hungry for the supernatural.  We are leaning in and challenging the things that weigh heavy on our hearts, in the supernatural, to see breakthrough; to see God's goodness in the land of the living (Ps 27:13).  We have personal stuff and we have corporate stuff.  And we are pausing; waiting for God to move as we sit and breathe in the stillness and quiet.

As I have been working on doing better with sustained, focused prayer I have been finding the following things helpful.

• Ann Voscamp's Lent devotional 'Trail to the Tree' reminds me to stop and linger in the Word. 
• Discovery Church's leaderhip blog helps me to take a fresh perspective on long familiar stories of the Bible and grows my understanding of God.

I'm learning to be still.  To push through the distractions in my own mind.  To claim the power I have because Jesus shed his blood for me to be able to do that.  To pray with authority and wisdom.  I am learning to wait and inhale and trust.  We are still busy with life but this season feels set aside.  Holy. 

Fast-Friendly Bounty

In my last post I mentioned that our annual church-wide fast has begun.  This year we are going well beyond the usual 21 days, and going the full 40 days of Lent.  I'm so glad we dipped our toes into fasting with a mere three week effort!  Because we know what to do now, we're using the framework of the Daniel Fast again.  So far I have not had any "I need a cup of teeeaaaaa" (imagine whining here) or "I just want a CRACKER!" (my children were afraid...gritted teeth, clenched fists) moments, as I did last year.  Although crackers do look very enticing.  And hot cross buns.  Did you know how good those otherwise harmless little buns smell in their plastic bags on the supermarket shelf, when you're walking past, and you can't eat them?  Let me tell you - really dang good!

This afternoon as we were returning from picking Mr Busy up from a meeting at church we stopped off at a strawberry farm that was boasting "5kg for $10".  Dh was unable to resist and a box came home with us.  Mr Busy and Miss Sunshine dove in right there in the car.  After all the hype about getting Hepatitis A from frozen berries you'd think they would pause for a moment and ask if it was OK.  But no.  Apparently our dirt is familiar dirt and they are happy to eat it.  So we have strawberries for eating and freezing and making into smoothies.  Most of them will be frozen because the rain and heat have made a lot of them a little spongy.  I can't wait to try Shauna Niequist's "Blueberry Crisp" recipe...with strawberries instead.  It will be our post-fast first dessert, I think.  I love that Shauna's recipe calls for maple syrup as the sweetener in the "crisp", rather than sugar so I'm looking forward to trying it.

Meanwhile, a plate of vegies for dinner: potato, sweet potato, corn, carrots, green beans, cauliflower and broccoli.  Just....Yum (really, truly!).

Practicing Abundance

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After you've done lots of thinking on something the best way to really learn it is to put it into practice.  Well, that's what my kinaesthetic self says.  A very precious friend from work (where I don't work anymore, but where my children still go to school....so I'm kind of still there....) moved house today.  The move was the result of a circumstances completely beyond her control, desire or choice.  Circumstances that are achingly gut-wrenching.  So today a few of us gathered to get her and her two young-adult aged children moved and re-settled.  Mr  Busy and I spent the whole day there because if you are moving house you need Mr Busy.  He is a house-moving gun and has been since he was three. 

When Dh and I popped over yesterday to assess the situation I offered to organise lunch for everyone who would be there to help with the move.  I prepared sandwiches and muffins for about 12 people.  When I offered I thought I'd have to do a bit of a shop, but as it turned out I only needed bread.  My pantry and refrigerator already contained the abundance I needed to care for my friend and those of us who needed sustenance throughout the day. 

It turned out to be a bit of a loaves and fishes affair, as there ended up being about 15 of us for lunch.  There was enough for everyone to eat their fill with a surprising amount leftover.  And that was eaten for afternoon tea in the new house (and still there was more leftover!!), washed down by a pot of tea.

Let me tell you about the abundance I didn't know I had....

Last time I was at Costco I had bought some tinned chicken, because Miss Mischief insisted.  I hadn't known what to do with it so it's been waiting for me to find inspiration, which I did and that inspiration required the celery and spring onions I had in the fridge, which needed to be used. 

A friend was here for dinner on Sunday night and she brought me a dozen eggs from her chookies at home. 

I had ham and lettuce and avocado from my last grocery shop and the avocados have just come ripe.  All I needed was to buy bread.  Literally everything else was already here. 

I always have frozen raspberries in the freezer and Dh always makes sure we have bananas so the muffins were also taken care of before I even began.  And the kids haven't eaten the grapes as fast as they normally do, so I took a kilo of those with us as well.

We had sandwiches with:
egg and lettuce
chicken salad (oh my goodness I love the southern recipe I found for this!!!)
ham, avocado and lettuce

From a willingness to choose an abundance perspective 15 people ate well without worry from whence their food would come.  They were free to work hard until it was time to eat.  My friend was blessed and cared for on a very difficult day.

And I experienced the truth that, with God, there is always more than enough.