The 80/20 Rule for Mum Success

The hilarious Jen Hatmaker released her newest book, "Of Mess and Moxie" last week.  She shared a small excerpt on TODAY's Parenting team website to whet our appetite a few days later ,and I giggled my way through the whole thing.  Or maybe there was actual laughing out loud.  My kids now roll their eyes and ask if Jen is involved.  All I can say is I'm really glad a copy of her book is sitting on my bedside table.  Jen is funny and smart and real and challenging and full of snarky sarcasm that just seems to be match my own blunt directness.  She's the kind of person you'll wish lived right next door to you.  And you'll certainly wish you were part of her tribe.  I know I do!  Like any really good friend, we have differing views on some things here and there, but the really important things hold true regardless.

What I loved about this little excerpt (besides her hilarious communication style) is the sentiment that it's OK to be a good enough Mum most of the time.  That's not to say we should aim low, but it is important to know that we're not perfect.  And we're not!  None of us are perfect, so I wonder why it is that we seem to think that we should be perfect in our parenting?  Read the snippet - you'll realise that maybe your 80% success is actually pretty good.  Because, you know, have you ever driven an hour in the wrong direction to an excursion location to meet your kids that aren't there?  No?  See, you're doing great!

I mentioned, just recently, that my son takes fake food, like cup-a-soup and tinned spaghetti for lunch these days.  And I haven't actually cleaned my own house in about a year (I outsource this job).  I have forgotten my kids in all kinds of places.  Miss Mischief in a supermarket in Malacoota, picking kids up from school at the right time (to be fair, they were returning from camps at odd times).  Once I forgot to take my kids to a birthday party.  My friend phoned to ask if we were coming....yep...just a bit late, as it turned out.  I'm never normally late.  If you're like me, you've screeched at your kids, you've failed to keep a promise, you overreacted and probably done a thousand other things you wish you could retract.  And you know what?  These are all opportunities to model apologising, asking for forgiveness and dealing with disappointment.  So I guess our 20% failure rate turns out to be a silver lining in an otherwise grey cloud.  We get to help our kids develop resilience and persistence and empathy.

So Jen is shooting for 80/20 success rate, or so.  What are shooting for?

Why I have always made my kids' lunches

I've been asked this question numerous times throughout my kids' school years.  Why don't your kids make their own lunches?  It's a good question!  Usually it comes with a little sprinkle of disbelief, because it doesn't gel with the level of independence and responsibility we generally require from our kids.  The last time I had this discussion it was with someone who has only known me a short time, and doesn't know our family dynamic all that well.

To be fair, Mr Busy has broken all the rules of expectation.  I don't actually make his lunch for him, but I do send him to school with a bag full of tinned spaghetti and cup-a-soups.  And yes, that doesn't gel with my beliefs about food vs food-like products either.  But this is a difference between the boy eating and not eating.  Like his father many years before him, I found a number of lunches languishing in the bottom of his school bag, and I am vehemently opposed to wasting my time and energy making food for people who won't eat it.  So the man people in our house get no special lunch treatment.  The flip side for Mr Busy is that he won't take food if he has to make himself.  I'm paying a pretty penny for him to go to school, so I want his brain to actually work.  Therefore I send him with things he'll actually eat.  And that can sit in his bag or locker and won't go off.  It's a definite compromise on my part, but I think it's working, for now.

The real reason I've always made my kid's lunches (and was prepared to make Mr Busy's through to the end of Year 12 as well), is purely and simply about my own self-preservation.  Yes, they can do it themselves.  They all cook dinners, they're all very capable.  But this is the barest, most selfish reason for making lunches for capable people:

I can't stand listening to the kids fighting the kitchen in the morning.  Cannot.  Even.

When the three of them were still in school I would make their lunches and pop them in their designated colour of Tupperware sandwich box along with a snack and piece of fruit next to it.  It was their job to pack it into their insulated lunch box and into the bag.  There.  They won't totally devoid of responsibility in the process.  Just the being in the kitchen part!

These days I have no idea if the girls are at Uni for lunch or at home, or at church, or at work...  Baby adults with University schedules are a whole other beast.  I only really make my own school lunch now, and provide Mr Busy with non-perishable options.  And a lunch order on Thursday's.  Yep.  The youngest is spoiled, because I got tired of parenting.  Sorry girls.  You wore me out.

Why we track each other

We are Channel 9 news people in our house.  We have a deep affection for Peter and Livinia.  Although not as prominent, we also have affectionate feelings for Allan Raskall.  He is lively and funny and his stories often come with flair and a special Allan version of dagginess-in-a-suit that we appreciate around here.  So last week, when Allan was doing a story that mentioned schools my ears pricked up.  He was talking about some app for schools to use to track their students (see story here).  Of course the civil libertarians weighed in, talking about children's right to privacy.  And then right at the end it was made clear parents had to agree and students had to download the app on their phone.  The app would allow for geographical tracking and for the camera to be turned off.

Not so much humour in that story, but still there was Allan.

My baby adults and older teen had interesting reactions to this story.  "But Mum, what if those kids are wagging school?"  Yes indeed.  I suspect this is exactly what this app is designed for.  Those students who like to disappear off school grounds during the day without permission or explanation.  In such cases I would be inclined to land on the side of the argument that says a school's responsibility to students (and their parents) would trump a student's right to privacy.  They are under 18 and us teachers get a little bit (actually, a LOT) worried when we can't find our precious people.  In the same way that I get a "little bit" worried when I lose my own children in foreign countries, in places like, say, Disneyland (looking at you Mr Busy).  Thankfully in my school this has never been an issue.  We are in the absolute middle of nowhere and anywhere interesting is far too hard to get to on foot.  Nature has provided the perfect deterrent to wagging.

The news story also raised another round of why we use "Find My iPhone" to track each other in our household.  It's not just us tracking the kids either - we all use it to find out where the other has gone. Many are the days when I get a text from my girls saying "Why are you at Mrs....'s house without meeeeee?"  You can imagine the emoji's inserted afterwards.  Because they discovered I've snuck of to see a friend that they also adore.

When the girls first started driving themselves around in their own cars Apple had just put "Find My iPhone" onto our phones with some update.  I don't know, you do these updates and new apps just appear.  Whatever!  But this one was actually useful to us. We asked the girls to turn it on, to which their immediate response was "What? Why?"  Parents of older kids, you know what that sounds like! So we had to lay it out for them.  These are our reasons for tracking each other:

1. First and most obviously, so that we know where they are!  If anything were to ever happen to them we would be able to get to them quickly, or send emergency services directly to their exact location.
2. Our second reason involves avoiding them being distracted drivers.  With an app like this one, we are able to check in when we suspect they might be driving.  That means we don't have to text or call.  They don't have to feel pressured to respond or pick up, but we know they're on their way.  Neither of the girls have blue tooth in their cars, or hands-free phone thingys so this is a big deal for us in keeping the as safe and undistracted as possible.
3. They get to track us too.  Again, this means reduced texts of the "where are ya?" kind.  If they wake up in the morning and wonder where everyone is, they can find out before they go ahead and panic.  If we are out late at night they can see where we are.

Since all but one of us is an adult, in our house, this is far from being a "nanny state" arrangement.  Anywhere Mr Busy goes, someone in the house delivers him and retrieves him, so we always know where he is anyway.  This is the nature of where we live - transport is always provided by us.  For the rest of us, this is purely peace of mind.  We check the app before we worry or consider getting concerned.  The kids check and see if we're still at work.  We check and see if Miss Sunshine is on her way home from Uni.  We know if Miss Mischief is at "games night" after church on Sunday.  Initially the kids were dubious about the idea of being able to be tracked by us.  I suspect they do more tracking of us these days, and they have all agreed using this app makes perfect sense in our household.

PS  I am in no way related to Apple or this particular app.  It's just one that we use and have appreciated.

Fear-Less Parenting

"You can't tell me what to do!"  These were the terribly misinformed words uttered by my first child, barely three years old at the time.  By the time she embarked on the "Terrible Three's" I already had a second child and a third on the way.  It was far too late to back out or rethink how many of these little people we were going to have in our house.  There was certainly no way a three year old was going to dictate how I was or was not going to raise her!  I think I responded with something along the lines of "Well, you're going to be fairly miserable, because I can and I will tell you what to do....."

Thus began my journey of fear-less parenting.

I hear it more and more though....the questions about whether or not parents are getting it right.  Am I feeding them the right food?  Are they in the right school?  Have they had enough experiences?  Are they in the right sport?  Should we change to another sport?  Should we add music lessons?  Maybe they should have art lessons?  Are they getting enough sleep?  Will they get a good job?

Oh.  My.  Goodness.  Are you feeling dizzy?  Feeling Inadequate?  Frightened?

To be perfectly honest, these are not questions I spent my time asking.  From the moment Miss Sunshine challenged my authority as her parent I was far more interested in what kind of children I was raising, not whether they had everything the world could offer them.  Besides which, for most of our children's lives, we weren't in a financial position to give them all their little hearts desired.  And we have led a quieter, much more sane life because of it....I don't think that's a bad trade-off!

How did I parent fearlessly?  It was instinctive at the time, and as I've gotten older I've realised not all parents have been parented well, and instincts may be harder to find.

Be the parent
Once challenged by that deluded three year old, I understood I needed to lead my children.  I cannot tell you how often I see parents whose children walk all over them.  We need to be the authority in our children's lives.  Not authoritarian, ruling with an iron fist.  Authoritative.  Unafraid to set reasonable limits and things that are not-negotiable in our homes, and then keep those limits.  Children need to know  where their boundaries lie and that they won't move.  Believe me, they will try to push them!  If you have spent any time with any child you know this to be true.  Be prepared with consequences that match the age and act, and be consistent in applying them.  I have learnt that when these lessons are learned early, the rest of being a parent is much easier.  I only have to count back from 5 and my son still moves very fast!  Our kids all know it is unwise and useless to test our boundaries.

Have high expectations
Part of being a parent is knowing how you want your kids to behave and then expect it of them, rather than excuse them.  Whether it be using manners, eating all their dinner, requiring obedience...whatever it is that hits your radar as important.  All of the things above were on my radar for high expectations, and so these things were constantly being addressed in my parenting.  I wouldn't hand over something without receiving a thank you.  I didn't begin fulfilling a request without a please.  Our kids were required to have at least one bite of everything on their plate.  I knew what they did and did not like, and I would still give them a bite or two of things they didn't like, so they would learn to eat dinner without being offensive to a potential host.  The other side of that coin is that our kids eat a very varied diet and enjoy lots of different cuisines.  If they kicked up a stink they were offered their meal or their bed.  No alternative meals.  Only one ever chose bed.  That only happened twice, and then realised tomato sauce covers all sins and makes food edible.

As teenagers I had many conversations with my children about my expectations for them not to become sullen, moody, hateful people who do the wrong thing.  I challenged and expected them to be above the stereotype of their age.  I don't believe that just because "everyone" says kids are like a, b or c means they have to be like that.

Be comfortable saying no
Our kids need us to say no, as much as they need us to say yes.  Sure, small people will throw a tantrum.  Indeed bigger ones will also try.  Don't let their tactics scare you off from being the parent.  It's not our job to keep them happy, in the sense that we should feel obliged to give in to everything they desire.  It is our job to stick by our word.  If our word is 'no' then let it be no.  When I have had my children beg and plead because they didn't like my no, I was more inclined to stick with that no than ever.  It's the stubborn streak that runs through the females of my mother's family.  This kind of goes with "be the parent".  It is not our job to be popular with our kids, or be their best friend.  It is important that we be able to make good decisions for our kids and stick with them, despite their best efforts to persuade us otherwise.  Whenever my children accused me of being the meanest mother I countered by insisting I was being the best mother.  Actually I probably just agreed!  "Yes, I am the meanest mother...that means I'm doing a good job".  The poor babies had nowhere to go with that one!  Be confident with your no and let your kids learn that disappointment is a part of life.  Most of our "no's" are not spirit crushing, and they shouldn't be.  But it is a normal part of life.

Are you paralysed by parenting fear, or do you parent confidently and fearlessly?  What's your best tip for raising amazing kids?

Parenting and Teaching - Same, Same, But Different

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It seems that, not matter how old your kids, or whose kids, or how many kids, most of the conversations I seem to have with kids (at home and at school) follow some pretty narrow and repetitive scripts.

#1  Highlights not Details
I am not a details kind of person.  I just need the general gist of something that takes about 2 minutes - not the half-hour, fine detail version.  The problem is kids don't understand summarising for the main points.  I'm sure my eyes roll back in my head - I know I kind of switch off a bit.

#2  Where did you put it last?
Because children never seem to know where THEY put THEIR stuff.  I sure can't track what they do, especially when there's 20 of them!

#3  What do I get if I find it?
This quickly follows #2, because inevitably said child does not understand the concept of actually lifting things and moving things with their actual hands in order to see if their "something" is hiding beneath all the other rubbish they possess.

#4  I love you - that's why I mix your names up!
This covers a multitude of name-mixing sins.  And I am an expert at it.  For the last week I've just had Dh & Mr Busy at home while the girls have been off housesitting.  Cannot tell you how often Mr Busy gets called his Dad's name.  Which is his middle name, so not such a stretch.  When Dh gets called Mr Busy's name....no such excuses.  I have been known to call a child their sibling's name, when I've never worked with the sibling.  *sigh*

#5  I don't need your help being a grown up
Children don't seem to understand that I lived a whole lot of life, quite successfully, without them telling what to do and how to do it.  At school this is also stated as "I went to Uni for four years to learn to do my job - you have a lot of school to do before you get to take over".

#6  When was the last time your nagging changed my answer?
You know, what they ask the same question a thousand different ways, hoping for a different answer?  My own children have finally figured out this doesn't work.  Well...Mr Busy still tries it.  The kids in my class?  After a year they still had to have this pointed out.

#7  What did I say?
After they've tried about three different ways of asking the same question....

#8  The rules haven't changed!
Because kids seem to think a different location, or a different grown up will change the behaviour expectations.

#9  What did I ask you to do?
Cannot tell you how often children get distracted on the way to complying with a direction or instruction.  Mr Busy used to find it hard because "his teddies were always talking to him" (he was about 4yo).  My 10yo's at school?  They would rather chat or wrestle than remember what they were meant to do.  Or they just weren't tuned in, in the first place.  My baby adults are like "oh, you actually meant it?  Like, now?"

#10  Is this working for you?
In response to inappropriate behaviour choices, the outcome of which means I have to intervene with some stern words, and said child looks totally uncomfortable about being called out on their behaviour.

And of course, often a pointed stare can remind children of the repetitive script they are likely to hear, if I actually have to say words!

What things do you find yourself repeating constantly?

Twenty Years in the Making - A Perfect Mother's Day

I haven't really enjoyed Mother's Day for well... my whole mothering life, although it has slowly improved in the past few years.  The best Mother's Day I had when the kids were small was the one two days after Mr Busy was born, because I was in hospital, being lavished with chocolate and being spoilt by nurses who get it.

Recently in our house we had a conversation around how much I don't enjoy Mother's Day.  My husband maintains that I am not his mother, and I pointed out that he had not taught his children to honour theirs.  To add insult to injury he has been overseas since late last week so he wasn't even here for Mother's Day.  At all!  As it turns out, that was the motivation the kids needed.  That, and the girls now have their own means and opportunity (money and transport) to make things happen without relying on anyone else.

On Sunday I woke up to gifts, purchased by children who thought about what would bless me.  After taking Mr Busy to church early I returned to ham and cheese croissants for breakfast.  Lunch was a cheese platter and dinner was a chicken and dauphine potatoes, a la Jamie Oliver, with apple pie for dessert.  We watched "The Dressmaker" together, and I got have a little nap.  It was perfect.

The day before I spent the day doing a flower arranging class, taught by a friend.  Mum drive down to Melbourne and joined me, and then I took her out to a local nursery/cafe for lunch and we wandered about the nursery afterwards.  In amongst writing reports and marking student work it was simply an amazing day.

So I think the Mother's Day curse has finally passed.

How was your Mother's Day?  Difficult?  Delightful?  Improving?  No hope in sight?

However it turned out, we can encourage one another and the other mothers know.  We can tell one another what an amazing job they are doing and honour the sacrifice, love and commitment they pour into the lives of their children.  Who do you need to encourage today?

The Parenting Files: Adult Children in Your House?

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Lately I find myself thinking about, dreaming of, and anticipating the day the children all leave home and it's nice and quiet and peaceful around here.  And clean.  In fact, I'm beginning to disturb myself at the number of times I mention the possibility that the adult children leave home.  I need to stop it!  I love my kids.  I have mentioned often how awesome they are.  Because they actually are.  If I'm going to be trapped in a house of baby adults who stay around then I couldn't choose better people to be with.

But I'm tired of the parenting bit that comes with everyone living here.  They make me forget I'm really a nice person.

When I was in the car with Miss Mischief the other day I finally nailed the problem.  When I was exactly Miss Sunshine's age I was just barely married and had moved out.  I was the queen of my own little castle; boss of my own space.  I also worked full time from 18yo.  I didn't go to University so I was pretty independent from the minute I became an adult.  This is completely and utterly the opposite of my own baby adults, who are pursuing higher education and a gap year before beginning study.  Mostly kids don't leave home to go to University in Australia.  Certainly, when you live in or around a major city students simply commute rather than live on-campus.  University housing is very limited and costs more than my mortgage!

It seems like each season of parenting begins with a major mental and emotional shift and this is no different.  I need to have a long think about what this season needs to look like, and what makes sense for us.  Things like expectations and responsibilities, and then clarity for everyone in our home so we're all on the same page.  Indeed, what the page should even look like.  I remember it taking me about six months to fully adjust to having all my children off at school, and what that would look like for me, as a SAHM.  Clearly I'm a little slow off the mark for this season.  Or maybe I've just finally conceded that I'm weary!  I have recently resorted to blaming some of my parenting decisions on things like "You all know he's the youngest, he's meant to get away with more stuff".  Or, "Middle child life is hard and unfair - we're just fulfilling that for you".  Fortunately adult people get the sarcasm and lack of truth in these statements!!

Any thoughts?  What worked for you (as a baby adult, or as a parent!)?  What didn't?  I am so keen to gather all the sage advice I can find!

On Growing Great Teens...Staying Connected

I've been doing a lot of thinking over the past week about the little teensy steps along my own parenting journey, that have resulted in having great teens.  I said last week, that we need to begin with the end in mind.  That was certainly the first step for me, but it was only the first.  There have been a lot of steps and seasons and years, since then.  Once we've decided what kind of people we want our children to be, how do we get them to the goal?

The second thing that we have been determined about is staying connected.  This will look different in every season of parenting your children.  When our children we teeny we began the day with snuggles in our bed.  Our parenting style was (and is!) to have everyone sleeping in their own bed so having the kids come in to us first thing in the morning was a really special way to begin the day.  Our days ended with tucking our kids into their beds and praying with them.  Dh seems to remember bedtime stories.  I remember being so desperate to not be needed by little people who needed me for everything that I got them into bed in the most efficient way possible.  In any case, between the tantrums and the correction and the boundaries and the discipline there were cuddles and kisses and "I love you's" and laughter and playing together.

Every family will stay connected in ways that make sense to them and their family culture and their personalities.  I have been saying to my kids, since they were the tiniest little things, that they are never allowed to be so big or so grown up that they can't kiss and hug their mum.  A good-bye kiss is mandatory in our house, whenever someone is headed out the door.

We talk a lot in our house.  When I was taking my kids to and from school (up until this year) we would have a little check in conversation in the car.  I would ask them what the best thing in their day was, something that wasn't so great and who they hung out with at recess and lunch time.  Our trip to and from school is only a handful of minutes, but it's enough time to get the highlights.  I don't do that daily school trip anymore, but those check-in conversations still happen when I get home.  And now they ask me about my day and want to hear my highlights.  I often come back to those check-in conversations after we've gotten home too.  They are often where the rubber of our faith hits the road and we can wrestle together with things that we struggle with and think about what God might want from us, or how he would have us respond.

We eat dinner around the table together every night.  When our children were small it meant double-time shovelling for me:  one bite for me, one for the child I was feeding, in alternating forkfuls as quick as I could.  Those meals felt frantic to me, but we ate together around the table.  It really began when Miss Sunshine was about 12 months old.  I would give her dinner and then we'd eat.  But she was never satisfied that she'd just eaten and we would have to fight to keep our meals out of her mouth.  We decided eating together would work better.  These days we don't always have everyone at home, and Friday nights are a complete disaster with people headed in all directions, often before I even get home.  But whoever is here at dinner time sits down to a meal at the table.  Together.

There are a ton of other things that we do as a family:  we take a holiday every year - usually camping, we watch movies together, we go out and do stuff together.  This past month, for example, we have headed out to Warburton for afternoon tea and had a walk along the river.  We trekked down to Sorrento for afternoon tea and walked along the beach there and had fish and chips with the seagulls for dinner.  We hang out with other families and our extended family.  Sometimes we do jigsaw puzzles.  We go and stay with my parents for a few days at a time.  If Dh needs to go up to country areas for work he plans it so we can all go together during school holidays.  We still sit together in church, although we wouldn't mind a bit if the kids sat with friends.  Still...they choose to sit with us.  I've taught the kids to bake and cook meals and they are required to do things that contribute to our household running smoothly.  My kids are almost always seated on the other side of the bench while I'm cooking, just to watch and chat, and have been since they were tall enough to see over the bench.  And now I do the same to them when they're cooking.

All of those things that we do, the conversations we have, the things we do, the memories we create, help us stay connected.  We have always done things together over the weekends.  We deliberately choose to live a quiet, unhurried life without too many commitments and I think this has helped us too.

You don't have to do big expensive things to stay connected.  Just make the most of all the small moments and try and find those small moments in the rhythm of your family's daily life.

Be Not Afraid Parents of Littles - On Growing Great Teens

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Let's talk about parenting teens.  I've had so many interactions lately where parents of Littles are so petrified of having teens.  Like the precious, sweet little people they have in their homes will be whisked off and replaced with some sullen, moody, rebellious person they don't know at all.   I know how that feels, because I was one of those parents once.  But my children have shown me that teenagers can be so incredibly awesome people.  I recently had an amazing leader, a woman in my church, publicly acknowledge my kids and say "I want my children to grow up like that, and if this is a church where we produce kids like your kids then we are getting things right".  So, let's get comfy, grab a cuppa and talk about getting ourselves some amazing teenagers.

Always, when talking to parents of Littles, my best words of wisdom are:  Begin with the end in mind.  This was instinctive to me, as a parent.  In our church this is articulated very clearly, and I was so excited to hear my instincts put into words!  When Miss Sunshine hit her Terrible Three's she became stubborn and independent and she was reluctant to be parented.  You can imagine what that looked like on a 3yo.  In fact, I remember her telling me things like "You can't tell me what to do" and "You're not the boss of me".  Oh that poor child...she was so incredibly wrong, and I was more than up to that challenge!  At that time I sat down and started to really think about the kinds of people I wanted my children to grow up to be.  What character traits did I want them to possess?  What values did I want them to embody?  What kind of people did I want them to be in community?  I felt like I was always on the back foot, reacting to her behaviour, instead of knowing where we were headed.

So I made a list of the character and value and faith goals I had for my kids and I thought about how I was going to get them there.  I read books about parenting and kids.  To be honest, there wasn't a lot around, back then, about disciplining very young children.  But I had this three year old that needed my guidance, and despite all the books seeming to say this was too young I knew that if I didn't figure it out very quickly it would be too late.  So "Boundaries with Kids" and "The Five Love Languages of Children" were my two go-to books in those early days.  I learnt about setting and keeping positive boundaries and I learnt how to fill up their love-tank to help reduce the negative toddler behaviours.

Then I found some more books that helped me navigate being the kind of family I knew I wanted and that would support my kids growing up to be the very best people they could be:

Raising them Right (published by Focus on the Family)
Family Fragrance by J Otis and Gail Ledbetter
The Family Compass by Kurt and Olivia Bruner
Extending Your Heritage by J Otis Ledbetter and Randy Scott
For Parents Only by Shaunti Feldham and Lisa Rice

I've learnt to look at our family backgrounds and really think about the things our parents did well and the things we felt they hadn't done so well, and to decide intentionally what we would take into our parenting style.  We have set our not-negotiable family rules and we have strong justification for each of them.  We are clear about the purposes they have and the outcomes we intend for them to achieve.

In short we (or maybe I!) decided with deliberate intention how we were going to do this parenting-of-little-people with the end in mind.  This is not to say we haven't had some major kerfuffles to deal with.  We have these really good kids and at least two of them have done some pretty majorly, seriously dumb stuff. It won't all be smooth sailing, because people are messy and sinful and get it wrong with reasonable consistency.  But we can build into our children a belief that they are amazing human beings, that they are loved unconditionally even when they stuff up.  And when they stuff up we have some important moments where we get to say to them "This is not who I believe you are.  I believe you are funny, witty, intelligent, kind, generous, helpful and amazing and you need to decide if those things are true.  And then you need to behave you way into being those things.  You do not need to be defined by your mistakes, but by how you come out of them".  Yes, actual conversation that happened in our house.

I feel like we have gotten plenty of stuff wrong with our kids.  They will certainly tell you all about those things!  I wish we'd done some things differently or handled certain situations better and more carefully.  But here we are.  We've managed to get some stuff right.  Because we have these awesome teens and teenaged young adults who are magnificent to hang out with.  We constantly hear heartwarming feedback about how they serve in community and their cheerful attitudes and their beautiful personalities.

Got some words of wisdom to share, or questions to ask?  Post a comment!

I'm going to post some more on this topic in the coming days, but let's share our wisdom and experience and help one another bring up our children to be beautiful teens who grow into incredible adults.

And then it was Production Day

Miss Mischief has been planning a High Tea for her VCE Food & Technology subject for weeks.  And weeks.  And maybe a few more weeks.  There have been production plans coming out of her ears, and searching for recipes all over the place.  She had to have six complex processes (whatever that means), which had her making things from scratch that you would normally just buy.

After weeks of planning she had days of cooking.  Things that required freezing to 'preserve' them were done in advance.  Lots of things happened yesterday morning.  In the process we learnt about fixing runny and split mayonnaise, and how to repair split, oily caramel.  That was my job - googling how to fix stuff....

Finally, after all the cooking, and repairing, and mixing and stirring and photo-taking of every. single. step. (thank you Mr Busy, oh photographer extraordinaire!) we got to eat.

Cupcakes, and sponge cakes and profiteroles and sandwiches with all the complex things that went with them.  And tea.  Miss Mischief outdid herself.  Her high tea was a smashing success.

And we left the dishes till this morning.  Because none of us could look at it!

Parenting through Yr12 Folio Subjects

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This is our second year in a row of Year 12 Studio Art.  The second year of a stressed out teenager with too much to do and not enough time to do it.  Folio subjects require a great deal of time in a way that the more academic subjects just don't seem to.

Miss Mischief and I spent six hours at school on Saturday, working on her folio.  I cut, put double sided tape on hundreds of printed photos.  She placed them, I unpeeled said double-sided tape and stuck them down.  Ten combined hours of hands-on work time. Now there are about 30 pages of annotation to be completed.  And a proposal for potential directions for next term to be written.  Between English essays and Biology SAC's.

So how do we manage this stressful time crunch?  Gently.  Carefully.  Compassionately.  I hope.

• Miss Mischief has a dishes reprieve for the week.  The other two will either wash or put dishes away instead of splitting the putting away between two of them.
• I get to rub Miss Mischief's back before bed - I have no idea what I'm doing or how to do it, but she seems to like it and thinks it's special.
• Encourage her to keep going when she'd love to just collapse in a heap.
• Help prioritise annotating those pagse and studying for SAC's.
• Nag Encourage her to phone her Food Tech teacher (distance subject) and ask for a small extension.
• And pray.  Pray that she gets that annotation done; that she can write like the wind.  That words would come easily and quickly.  That her writing would be clear, succinct, intelligent and address the subject matter, aesthetics and materials appropriately.  That time would slow down and that she would be able to use every single spare moment to the best possible effect.

Last night when I popped quickly into Safeway I was served by a beautiful young man I have known since before he was born.  He said he has lost the will to study and that it just all feels too hard.  He's doing a folio subject too - not Studio Arts.  Before he had to serve another customer all I could do was encourage him to remember the big picture.  There are just four or five months to go.  Keep going, run your race.  You can do it.  Don't stop now!  I could see him inhale my words to bolster him for another step or two.

How are your Year 12 students faring?

This! #GoodYoungMen

Mr Busy, holding his younger cousin's hand 

through the Denver Zoo "so she wouldn't get lost" 

This morning I read the most beautiful blog post from Ann Voskamp about bringing up boys to be good young men.  Ann talked about her boys.  About the one who sent her to the edge of herself.  I know that place.  We are doing the 14yo boy thing here and it's hard.  The grunting.  The aggressive emotional reactions.  The lack of personal responsibility.  The butt-kicking required in order for homework to be completed.  It's hard work.  I am wondering if we will make it through to the end of Year 12 in one piece, he and I.

But Ann reminded me of something today.  My son is a #GoodYoungMan.  Under all the hormonal,14yo, angsty and emotional stuff he is a beautiful boy who will grow up to be the greatest man.  I know this because I see little glimpses of it.  Little moments of light and beauty where I see the truth of who he is peeking out.  A boy who loves to help and serve and care.  Who is funny and engaging.  Who works harder than many men and does not stop til the job is done.  Who is gentle and compassionate and generous.

 So gentle that wallabies happily lie at his feet while

he strokes them gently and feeds them

Yesterday my son was publically lifted up for the way he served tirelessly, selflessly, enthusiastically to make a dinner for new people in our church the success that it was.  He helped set up and cook the barbeque.  He sat at the table with a bunch of people he'd never met and conversed intelligently.  He helped entertain some gorgeous little people so parents could enjoy conversation.  And then he helped pack everything away again.  He didn't grumble or complain once.  It was noticed and shared amongst leaders in our church during our staff meeting.  The woman who shared said "I want my son to grow up to be like that".  And I got to share that encouragement with my Good Young Man.

Because he might be 14 and drive me to pulling out my hair in utter despair.  He might drive me to my knees, wondering if we'll make it through these years of sitting still to study and write.  But this boy, this beautiful, gentle-hearted boy is a part of a generation of boys who will grow up to be the most amazing young men.

"There are good young men who need someone

 to show them they are trustworthy by 

entrusting them with worthy work, who take 

the time to inspect their work so they know 

what to expect, who give them confidence to

 do hard things by giving them hard things to do."

~ Ann Voskamp ~

Let's remember to look beyond our current challenges and entrust our boys with opportunities to do worthy, hard things that help them see who they really are.  To be Good Young Men. 

Permissive vs Authoritative....or just too many rules?

I've always thought myself to be fairly reasonable at this parenting thing.  I don't always get it right, but I sure try my best!  I worked super hard in our early days to raise my little people in such a way that they would become amazing big people.  And so far we've managed that.  But over this weekend my daughter and a friend we were with seemed to think we have way more rules than anyone else they know.  I take that with a grain of salt when coming from my children.  Inevitably "everyone" ends up being a small handful at best.  But when another adult tells you you have more rules than anyone they know, you begin to wonder.  Am I being too strict?  Do they know what all the other households are like?  Are they just comparing themselves with you and feeling intimidated?  Should I reconsider our rules and standards?  What should I change?

I've done a lot of second and double guessing this weekend.

I would always characterise myself (and my husband) as authoritative parents.  I don't believe in a permissive parenting style.  My children need far more guidance than that style would provide.  But we are not authoritarian either because our interactions are characterised by loving concern and desire to build and grow strong, positive relationships with our children.

We do have some not-negotiables in our home. 

• We require our children to help with the dishes each night.  I cook, DH does the laundry and the kids do the dishes.  That's how we roll and I do not think it unreasonable for each person to be doing something that contributes to making our home work. 
• Our kids are expected to attend Life Groups, and church on Sunday.  Faith is important to us and this is part of how we express that faith.  And so we worship together. 
• Our kids have a set bed time until they are 18.  It changes as they get older, but it is still a feature until they are adults.
• We expect our kids to do their homework and turn in assignments on time, having put in their best effort.

Four rules.  Four things that we believe are important to develop character, faith, good habits and productive citizens.  I absolutely believe I have the right to set high expectations that are reasonable and that I need to support my children to live within those expectations.  Because my high expectations require them to be kind, generous, polite and respectful no matter who they are interacting with.  Because I expect them to try their very best and dream big and fulfil the plans God has for them.  Because I believe community is so, so important and  that it comes with rights and responsbilities.

Are not-negotiables hard work?  Absolutely!  But it's so worth it.  I have these three amazing young people in my home that are just so incredible.  These are the children I was so petrified would become teenagers that I asked God to bring the second-coming forward to the time before they would hit their teens.  Our experience with Terrible Two's and Three's was enough to scare me senseless.  But these children of mine are such a gift to the teen-wary parent.  I am so glad God ignored those prayers of a naiive littles-loving mother.  I can honestly say I prefer having teens. They wrestle about bed times and doing dishes when they have homework.  Let's face it, I didn't want to cook for all those years when I had homework, but community requires responsibility even when you think you're too busy.  And we all appreciate even-tempered well-rest people in our house, rather than unreasonable, tired people.

Would I sacrifice having the end in mind and being intentional about getting there?  You know, I think not.  As I look at my not-negotiables I am content that they serve important purposes beyond the immediate goals.  Sorry Miss Mischief, bed time stays until October.

What are your not-negotiables?  What end are you intentionally aiming for with your children?

Tales of Laundry Woe

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This image above gives you an idea of the beginning of Mr Busy's day, when he realised his PE clothes were hanging on the line.  Wet.  Whilst we don't have a uniform at Our School we do have a you-must-wear-appropriate-PE-attire-and-school-sports-shirt rule for PE classes, so I had to write a note, which I opted to email because you know, you don't hear about these details until three seconds before running out the door.

For you amusement...the note:

Hi there

It is probably a little late in the day, but I promised Mr Busy I would email you about his PE attire today.  Dh, the resident laundry guru (as in, I have no idea how the laundry appears clean, dry and folded in this house!), upset the normal laundry routine yesterday, which meant Mr Busy's PE clothes were all wet this morning.  You can't imagine how upset he was that he wouldn't have the right clothes, because I have passed down my rule-following genes.  It took a bit of convincing that normal clothes would OK this once, considering the alternative (ie wet clothes that would stink, or ... nothing at all....).

Hope the day has been bright for you both :)

I didn't end up emailing til late in the day because Miss Mischief left information for a SAC on the table so I uncharacteristically dashed back to school for her.  I never take homework to school after we've left home (you know, if I was home to do it on a normal day), but this was an assessment thing, and I knew she would stress out over it.  In payment, she is now my slave for life, which will includes shoulder rubs whenever I desire.  It's a small price I'm sure.

The Parenting Files: Of Learner Drivers and Teenaged Sickies: A Glimpse Ahead for Mothers of Little People.

Parenting older teens is a completely different prospect than I ever imagined for my life as a mother.  Back when I began this journey with a teeny little one (and I do mean teeny, Miss Sunshine was just under 6lb when she was born) I could only imagine myself as a mother of little people.  Indeed when Mr Busy finally went off to school it took me six months to adjust to the reality that I no longer had really little people in my house.  I don't know, those Prep's at school look mighty little from my perspective now!

If I could write a letter to my very much younger self I would tell me to embrace every moment of having small people because day I will blink and all of a sudden all my children will be bigger than I and they will no longer fit on my lap (and Mr Busy has not fulfilled his promise that I could sit on his knee when he got bigger than me!).  And those endless early days of 'peak hour parenting'?  They will be gone in the blink of an eye and don't roll your eyes, even to yourself.  You have no idea how quick that endless time goes by.  It's an oxymoron...the quick and the endless.  It's just how it is so embrace every moment: the tantrums, the illnesses, the cuddles, the innocent "I love you's", the funny pronunciation of new vocabulary, the "You can't tell me what to do" statements of a brazen (read: silly and unwise know-it-all) 3yo....all of it. 

I would tell myself to stress less about the toilet training.  It will not be the worst part of parenting.  That will come when you have two learner drivers in your house.  And they will try to kill you and crash your car every time they drive.  Almost.  Every day.  For two years.  Toilet training lasted about 9 months between the three of them and your life was not at risk.  Embrace the toilet training and its safety.  Frustration has nothing on fear-for-your-life.  Be satisfied with 'frustrated'.

Those nights when you were up changing sheets because you had children vomiting in the middle of the night.  More than once? And the chest infections and snot and slobber?  Yeah, that won't last forever either.  One day your 18yo will be able to make it to an appropriate receptacle AND clean up after herself.  Yeah, baby!! You will feel like you won the lottery on that one.  It starts to happen around 10yo.  By the time they are 18 you can leave them at home on their own for the day with the instruction to drink lots and avoid dairy.  They will be just fine.  And the nearly 17yo who goes to bed with a fever and wakes with a cough-her-lungs-out cough?  She'll be fine on her own too.  In fact, you'll leave her asleep in the morning and scrawl out a note reminder her to study around the coughing and be ready to write an essay assessment in the 100 minutes you'll have at home that night.

I do not know where the years and the little people have gone!  I still look at these three and wonder how they got all the way up past me in height.  But even though I was petrified of having teenagers these three have made it almost easy.  There is the 'blip' and the 'dumb thing' here and there.  And the teary tantrum because one's sense of justice has been breached.  But they are just this beautiful overflowing of God's grace on a mother who wanted the second coming to happen before the oldest one turned 13.

Mothers of Little People?  Don't be afraid of the teens you will have in your house.  Teens can be so amazing.  Not just mine either, there are a whole bunch of them in my girls' classes at school that are simply incredible.  You know when you look at other people's teens and say to yourself "I want my child to grow up like that"?  'That' can actually happen!  But don't wish away the Little People phase of life either.  Cuddle them lots.  Laugh with them more.  One day you'll blink and they'll be learner drivers who can take care of themselves when they're sick.  Who knew?

The Parenting Files: Failure and Mercy

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I've said, recently, that when pushed to make the gut-wrenching choice between justice and mercy, I'm a justice girl.  Mercy is something that I live under, yet have to work so hard to live out.  Justice, however, just makes so much sense to me.  I can do justice compassionately with the aim of restoration, but mercy is a whole other thing.

I read an absolutely beautiful article the other day about offering mercy when our children mess up.  I know with the very depths of my being that "good kids do dumb stuff".  I first read that in For Parents Only (Feldham & Rice) and it has been my mantra ever since.  Then that sentence visited my family and I had a very good kid do a very dumb thing.   So when I read this guest article the other day from Jen Hatmaker at "All Mom Does" it resonated so deeply for me.  There is no way I could say this better than Jen, so I would encourage you to read her article.  I would click you over there myself if I could.

In our experience with the good kid and the dumb thing, we required much from said kid once the 'dumb thing' was brought to our attention.  There were a lot of conversations and a lot of digging to get to the heart of the 'dumb thing'.  There were many excruciating steps to restoration.  I'm sure 'the kid' felt like a bug under a microscope.  But it was an opportunity for us to speak into this young life and offer words of life and restoration.  Words that called out the qualities we see in this precious child and a determination not to allow a behaviour to define the future.

"We mess up, we fess up, we own up, we make up.  

It's that simple" 

(Jen Hatmaker)

We call the dumb thing 'the blip' these days.  An affectionate term for a defining moment in this child's life in which we required much but left the 'dumb thing' where it belonged.  It was done.

The Parenting Files: When Little Boys Get Big

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When Mr Busy was just a teeny little thing - which is a relative term because all my children were very long,and then tall - he used to spend a lot of time snuggled up on my lap.  When he was around 7 or 8 years old I lamented that one day he wouldn't fit on my lap.  His immediate response was "Don't worry, Mum.  When I don't fit anymore you can sit on my lap".  So, so sweet.

Fast forward a few years and this last baby of mine is at least four inches taller than me and he really no longer fits on my lap.  He refuses to even give his offer a go (and that's just fine with me.  That would be super weird and he might get crushed). 

We now have a more pressing challenge to work out.  How do you hug a tall boy?  He's taken to draping himself over my shoulders, which is somewhat like being overwhelmed by an oversized puppy dog.  I am completely enveloped by this 'thing' that just comes at me from above.  He used to be able to put his head on my chest.  And then my shoulder.  And then he was even with my head.  This being at some lofty height above me isn't working for him anymore.  Or me. 

I think we're going to have to swap to me putting my head on his shoulder.  Before it shoots up into the stratosphere.  And that feels weird too, because he is still the boy who likes to hug his Mum.  Having my head on his shoulder is a shift I'm not sure if I'm ready to embrace.  It means another step towards Mr Busy being all grown up (not just his body!).

I don't think I'll ever be found on his knee - although a generous offer - but we'll have to experiment with hugs.  Because this boy would shrivel up and cease to thrive without them.

The Parenting Files: 18 Year Old Confidence

Sketch by Miss Sunshine

Miss Sunshine and I had a thing last night.  She's not terribly demonstrative about her feelings towards her family.  I am, a little bit.  I'm a mother who knows the day will come when she will move out and I'll no longer get to have her in my see-you-every-day life anymore and I want to be all hugged up and goodnight kissed up before she goes and leaves the nest.  We're talking one decent moment a day.  I don't think I'm being unreasonable.  She does.

This morning, after our thing last night, I went in to wake her and asked permission to sit on her bed.  Because you can never be sure if that would be considered unreasonable by an 18yo independent person.  She moved.  I sat.  I told her how much I love her and then I looked up at her sketches on the wall and marvelled aloud that she would be so amazingly talented because Dh and I are not.  Not with art, anyway.   II remarked "You're just so amazing".  She looked at me with this funny little smirk and shiny eyes.

"You really want to say 'I know' but you don't think you should, don't you?"

She nodded.

I walked away howling with laughter.

Amazing and hilarious - that's my girl.

The Parenting Files: "You Owe Me...."

Do your teens have a slightly skewed perspective on life?  Mine definitely do.  I had to text Miss Sunshine this afternoon to have her turn the oven on.  I had prepared the casserole and put it in the oven before I left so all she had to do was turn the dial to the right temperature.  A 3 second job.  No effort.

Me:  Could you put the oven on 160 please?
Miss S:  Yep
Me:  Ta
Miss S:  No worries.  You owe me.

Ahhh the naivete of youth!  I bore this child; my body still bears the evidence.  I feed her.  I clothe her.  I house her.  I educate her.  I support her.  I love her.  No my darling, I owe you nothing.  I'm pretty sure I'm all paid up and if we were to audit the who-owes-whom account you'd owe me.  A lot.

A common conversation with Mr Busy that happens just after breakfast, at the end of school, on the way home from school and when I think about entering the kitchen.  He's 14 and related to the rest of his paternal family.  There is no hope for him.

Mr Busy:  What's for dinner?
Me: Food.
Mr Busy:  What food??
Me:  I dunno, but I already fed you today and the law only says I have to feed you - there's no law about how often I have to feed you.  If you keep asking me about dinner I just won't cook it.  Dinner is overrated you know.

The boy has the sense to take me seriously.  Although I would never actually follow through on this threat there has been enough follow-through in his life for him to back off.

Living with big kids is always entertaining.

The Parenting Files: The Day My Baby Turned 18

I always found it hard to imagine what my family would look like when I first had children.  Our house was full of little people who needed us to do everything, or at least have a hand in everything they needed or wanted to do.  They laughed and frolicked through the days in a flurry of cute little clothes and a mountain of toys; hugs and kisses, and mess.  Frequently there was the testing of limits and attempts to assert their little wills over ours. 

There were days when I wondered if we would all survive this thing called childhood.  Especially when our first three year old informed me that I could not tell her what to do!  It was this stubborn little person I most seriously wondered about in terms of the possibility of reaching adulthood.

Today Miss Sunshine is 18 years old.  

In Australia this means she is now legally an adult.  I have spent this week counting down the sleeps and gazing at her in amazement that her childhood was about to officially end.  Today she looks no different, but she is, and forevermore will be, an adult.

We decided on a Pandora 'Essence' bracelet for her gift.  Normally I would be the first objector about the expense of a thing to hang on a wrist, however this particular collection is all about character.  We want this to be not only a representation of her character but a prophetic word of promise over her life.  If we believe (and I do) that words have the power to be creative or destructive then I want my daughter's life to be lived under words that have creative power.  We have begun with 'faith' and 'freedom'.  The lady in the store thought 'freedom' was perfect for a new adult.  And perhaps that is true.  I had a completely different justification.

I want my daughter's life to be one driven by her own 'faith' in a God who adores her and goes to great lengths to keep her in His arms and part of His kingdom.  I want her to know the immense 'freedom' she has because of her faith; that she is free to be who she was created to be.  Freedom to live a life of significance that comes when she is  acting out of her beliefs which are informed by faith.

Our daughter is an incredible young lady.  She is beautiful, both inside and out.  She is poised and quietly confident.  She is sensible, funny and fun-loving, talented, capable and intelligent.  And she is such a rare and stunning gift to us.  She is the kind of daughter I always dreamed of, and was so scared I would not have the privilege of having.

She and I were recently discussing how her becoming an adult might change the family dynamics.  I wondered how that would work.  I was working full-time and driving my own car at 18 and definitely had views about being independent.  I'm still paying her (significant) school fees and she can't go anywhere without me for another 90-hours-and-a-test.  She decided it would be easier if I still tell her what to do, she stays at school and nothing else much changes.

And I'm perfectly OK with that.

Happy Birthday Miss Sunshine

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