Tuesday, 2 September 2014
A Clash of Wills - Mine, God's or Ours?
I wonder how you handle those really big decisions in life? Those ones that occur at a major cross-road in life, but where there doesn't really seem to be a 'right' or 'wrong' way ahead, just a choice to be made.
When you come to the end of a season these decisions are inevitable and necessary, yet not easy to discern the path ahead. My degree will be completed in a mere 7 weeks + teaching rounds. By the middle of November I will have completed all the requirements of my course and be qualified to register as a teacher. I know this is what God wants me to be doing. He pushed me to enrol at University. It was an impression over my life that I simply could not escape. I could not disobey what I was being asked to do. God has reiterated that the response He requires from me is to teach. The big decision, for me, comes with questions about where will I be teaching.
Over the last few weeks I have been doing some major wrestling over the desire of my heart and whether or not that might be the same as God's will in regard to where I get to teach next year. The desire of my heart is so strong. To have to step away from that will mean heartbreak, one crack at a time for weeks and weeks. It would mean leaving where I am. Leaving the children I simply adore. Leaving staff I respect and love deeply. Leaving the shared history of knowing and being known by others. I can tell you, this possibility has caused more than a few tears.
Yet I know to my very core that being outside of God's will is not a pleasant place to be. Being in that place means that when the wheels fall off and things get tough everything is just harder because you're not where you're meant to be. Knowing you're in God's will when things go haywire makes it just a tiny bit easier to endure.
The last few weeks have meant wrestling my way to a place where I have been truly able to say not my will, but Yours. You know my heart and my desires and I hope there is a way for them to be the same, but I'd rather be where You want me to be. The future is uncertain. There is no clear direction with few opportunities to apply for at the moment.
And so in my waiting my prayer has become make my will the same as Yours and give me a passion for where You want me to be.