The Lone Objector: Adulting Isn't So Bad

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I have two baby adults in my house.  You know this if you've read here for even two seconds.  Miss Sunshine seems to think that being an adult is the very most hardest thing in the world.  Miss Mischief thinks it's all a bit ho-hum and is more bemused by the fact that with a half-hour drive about with someone extra in the car she is now allowed to drive all by herself.  And feels like a rebel doing so.  This is my rule-follower child.

I don't remember that becoming an adult was all that difficult and I find myself rolling my eyes every time Miss Sunshine thinks she is overwhelmed.  The child has no idea.  She is nearly 20, studying and living at home.  She works casually (for her uncle) and has enough money to keep her car on the road and buy the things she wants to buy.  Conversely, at nearly 20, I had been working full-time for two years, was married, had moved out of home and was doing just fine doing the adult thing without my parents' help.

A friend of mine recently insisted that times were different when we were that age.  And while that is kind of true, it's kind of not.  We all still have to make the transition and it comes with having to get yourself a job, make your own decisions and eventually move out of home.  We all do it.  Generations before us did, and the generations that follow will too.

In complete opposition to my oldest daughter I was quite happy to become an adult.  I have spent more than half my life making my own decisions and being responsible for those decisions.  I have figured out hard things, like how to go about building a house (I was 21 when we did that), and buying a house.  How to navigate the Centrelink labyrinth and buying insurance for cars and houses.    For goodness sake I have managed to raise three kids.  That's jolly hard work, but also the best work ever.

I wonder when it happened, that we began to focus on how hard it is to be responsible for oneself, as opposed to just getting on with the next thing that needs to be done.  My kids have often complained that "they don't feel like xyz" whatever it is they don't feel like doing.  I have just as often told them that it doesn't necessarily matter how you feel about getting out of bed/doing the dishes/doing your homework/going to work/handing in that assignment.  You just do it because it needs to be done.

Lots of being an adult is about being responsible for your obligations, whatever they are.  But lots of being an adult is getting to make fun decisions too.  I just don't think it's all as bad as it apparently seems.

Mantra for my baby adults:  You can do hard things.  Be brave!

When Good Men invest in Good Young Men

How do men, across generations, spend the public holiday of a long weekend?  By rabbit hunting.  With the help of ferrets.

One of our pastors comes from up in the country, a couple of hours' drive from here.  His adult kids live on the farm he and his wife still own; his brother is up that way and so is his Dad.  So they have land.  And ferrets.  And rascally rabbits.  Something about the chase and the hunt and being all messy and loud and enjoying the great outdoors is appealing I guess.  Rabbit hunting seems to kill a few birds with one stone:  having fun, getting rid of pests, catching your own food.

You can't see it, because I am super thingy about privacy and safety and boring stuff like that, and because my new-to-me Mac has a cropping function, but Mr Busy has the biggest grin on his face, holding this cute-looking fluffy little ferret.  I see cute….I'm sure the men see "hunting tool".  But what I also see is my son having the time of his life with a whole bunch of really special Good Men.  His Dad, our Pastor and his son, brother and Dad.

These Good Men are investing far more into my son than a fun day doing manly, hunting stuff; more than giving my extroverted men somewhere to be, something to do and people to do it with.  They are investing into my son a whole bunch of important stuff about how to be a Good Young Man.  They are showing him some practical skills, sure.  But there will be laughter, bonding and encouragement.  They will model what it is to be a Good Man who respects other Good Men.  They will build him up, pour in and fill him up with being accepted and valued for who he is without expecting him to be someone he isn't.  He will get to feel like he's good at something and be mentored along the way when maybe he needs to learn a bit more.

I can't wait to hear stories from the day; the fun, the laughter, the successful catches.  But more than that I can't wait to see my son standing tall because some exceptional men showed him he is worth their time and their company.  I can't wait to see the self-belief and self-esteem that will grow because one significant man in my son's life thought enough of my son and my husband to organise a day doing some fun stuff together.

Lazy Friday School Lunch

Reasons why some mothers (i.e. me) would pop out to one of the five bakeries and pick up something special for the two who still go to school:

• It's Friday.
• Miss Mischief is handing in her 93-page folio (A3 sized pages of trials, photos of trials, all annotated by hand).
• Miss Mischief also has an English Lit SAC this morning.
• Mr Busy's jumpers are too small or need washing.
• Making another chicken and salad wrap seemed cruel on such a cold morning.
• It's winter.
• $4.80 is way cheaper than the $10 it would cost if we bought food from the school tuck shop.

The two who are still at school feel spoilt when they come out in the morning to find this is their lunch. I feel spoilt because I didn't make it.

One thing that has always amused me, however, is the number of bakeries in our town.  We have five, if you include Safeway.  Five bakeries for a town of 3,500 people.  I learnt a thing or two the other day about picking the right bakery.  The bakery I used to go to first thing in the morning would sell out of these types of rolls really quickly so I would be out the door at 6.30am and still not necessarily score what I wanted.  The bakery closest to Safeway, however, has these easily available well after 7am (much more sane!).  This morning I got there are 7.30am and their rolls had only just come out of the oven, so there were plenty and a greater variety of fillings to choose from.  The second bakery is now my go-to choice for an early morning trip for a lunch treat.

How do you treat your kids on days when you can't be bothered making lunches?

The Parenting Files: Peers and Challenging Behaviours

My son come home yesterday spouting comments along the lines of "I'm never going back to school", and "I'm leaving and going to another school".  Apparently he is having friendship issues again.  Apparently I need to email his teacher about it.  Again.

The problem is that he is not completely innocent in the friendship issues.  He does things that annoy the others.  I know exactly what it is that he does that annoys the other kids.  I've seen it.  They've told me.  Last night we had a long discussion about being honest with ourselves because aren't usually mean just for the sake of it.  Not a whole class!  That doesn't excuse their behaviour or make it OK, but you do reap what you sew.

He wasn't happy to hear that he needed to own some of the cause for being teased or for the kids being mean.  I know those kids very well - mostly they're really lovely kids.  So I sent Mr Busy off with Matthew 5 and Psalm 37 in his new Bible, received for his 13th birthday.  When he came back to me he'd read some of the comments in the margins.  Quest Bibles have great information for younger people or new Christians.  Then we talked about the kinds of behaviours God wants us to engage in, and how God won't prevent the consequences of bad choices.  We also talked about how God wants to bless us and how choosing His ways and the behaviours He says are good can be the pathway to receiving the blessings God has promised.

We talked a lot about being meek. 

We looked it up. 

Gentle, kind, humble, courteous, patient.

Hopefully he'll switch his brain on before he says or does things today.  Thirteen year old boys don't seem to think much before they act.  Who said boys were easier?  I reckon the girls were much simpler at this age.  And much more sensible.

Parenting Files: School Holiday Routines

Photo credit: au.lifestyle.yahoo.com

This is probably the first time in many years where we have stayed home for the entire summer break.  It feels a little strange, and yet it is the best place for us to be right now and we are all enjoying very slow days of relaxing alternated with activities that we plan and enjoy together. 

One of the things that has haunted me over the years, as a mother, is the beginning of school holidays and the cranky behaviour of children trying to figure out what 'normal' is supposed to look like when no one is occupying and structuring six hours of your day for you. In the past it has taken as much as two weeks to accomplish some semblance of peace in the house!  When you only have two weeks that's not much of a holiday, is it?

At the beginning of these holidays I informed Mr Busy, particularly, that I was not responsible for entertaining him and that he should find some things he enjoys doing.  Besides playing on screens all day.  Thus, our household has settled into a routine of sorts.

First thing in the morning the kids get up and turn on the TV.  I know, I know.  But it's the holidays and TV will be out the door again in very short order.  It is definitely a treat to be able to do this!  If I wake early I go for a walk.  If not I don't.  Perhaps I should be more disciplined but I'm too tired to be too strict about it.  After 6.30am the sun is right in the wrong spot and not long after that it is often too warm.

By the time the TV gets turned off breakfast and dressing has occurred and the kids go off and entertain themselves for a while.  Mr Busy is always first to ask for screen time.  About an hour is the preferred limit for the day.  Yesterday I questioned him about whether first thing in the morning or later in the afternoon would work better.  He went away and thought and came back to inform me he would prefer to do that after lunch.  

There has been some homework (thank you VCE :(), lots of reading, some playing with Lego and cars, mucking about, playing with a nerf gun and I really don't know what else they do!  But generally it seems they have all managed to occupy themselves appropriately and without a lot of parental refereeing required!

Every now and then we need to go and do something to get out of the house.  It's inevitable!

Mr Busy, particularly, is going through some kind of early adolescent stage in which I think some positive time with Mum and/or Dad might be the antedote to his overbearing behaviour and moodiness.  I only really realised this after talking with a dear friend who has older children.  I think it might be time to get into the kitchen with him.  He's been pestering me, after all! 

After dinner there is sometimes a movie.  And after that it's off to bed, at which time Dh and I settle down to a few episodes of "The West Wing".  We are loving the box set I bought for Dh's birthday.  Perfect for a summer of nothing much else to watch! 

And thus is our routine.  Slow and easy.  Designed to refresh and renew the tired ones of the family.

The Roller Coaster of Growing Up

Photo credit: wikipedia.org

The past week has been a bit of a roller coaster at our place, between the two girls.  Last week it was going in to bat for a daughter who was struggling with undue pre-exam stress, and being willing to tackle some significant issues with people who are also colleagues.  This week is it the euphoria of the end of exams and the anticipation of being in VCE.  Then the grief of a close friend unexpectedly leaving our school.  Followed by the excitement of all the privileges of 'free periods', access to the VCE common room and beginning the journey with breakfast provided by the new Year 12 class.

Motherhood is difficult when you're watching a precious child suffering with a grief you've known yourself.  Knowing that it will be alright, but remembering that intense pain of the moment.  Wishing you could erase it completely and prevent that pain from ever happening.  These are the realities of life, though, and it is these circumstances that build within characteristics such as compassion, empathy, resilience and the ability to support others.  

In all that has swirled around us this week I have had two real highlights.  A weekend away with a precious friend.  Sitting on the beach and chatting on a quiet Sunday morning was such a relaxing way to spend some time!  This morning, as I past the Year 9 room I looked in and saw tables arranged in a group together in the centre of the room with books weighting down some blankets, which were draped over the top.  The room looked like my house did when I had toddlers!  That traditional-looking indoor cubby house is indicative of the class in which Miss Mischief enjoys her days.  They genuinely enjoy the simple things of life together.

What's your roller coaster been like over the past week?

Truth and Tears

Every now and then the issue of telling the truth raises itself in the lives of our children.  Mr Busy was the one to learn the lesson yesterday.

As is often the case, it was over something quite insignificant in the grand scheme of life.  A drink of hot chocolate for which permission was not requested nor granted.  It should have been a simple matter of admitting to the error and moving on, but instead he chose to lie.  Silly really - which is often the case with my children - there was a witness and evidence, yet the lie continued.  After some time in his room we had a chat.

After explaining how disappointed I was we talked about where lies come from and what God expects of us.  I reminded him that I try very hard not to lie to him and that I expect the same in return.  The gravity of his actions hit home, however, when I explained that he was being disciplined more harshly for his lie than if he had told the truth and was punished for not following the rules of our home.  Not only that but he would now need to rebuild the trust that he had broken.  His tears told me that he understood that this is the greater tragedy.


That repentant heart earned my cherished young son a cuddle and reassurance of how much he is loved.  A defiant heart does not allow for restoration of the broken relationship so immediately, if ever.  It made me think about how God wants us to respond to His discipline.  Not just about the issue of lying, but about all kinds of things.  I am reminded that even as adults we need to be willing to heed the discipline we experience so that our relationship with God is restored.  Completely.

It is a precious day when children are able to truly see the error of their ways through a lovingly firm talk

Maths Geniuses in the Making

I may, one day, become the maths genius required by the government, of graduate teachers.  Miss Sunshine has been stressing out about some homework that she was stuck on.  Another bright spot of not having my own study, was that we got to sit down last night and nut out her problem together.  We logged in to Maths Online and off we went.  I now know a whole bunch of stuff about composite shapes and finding the hypotenuse of triangles.  Not only that, but Miss Sunshine had a brilliant moment where the light bulb switched on for her.  We were able to work through the lesson and some exercises together and found that actually, it wasn't even all that difficult.

I love it when kids have that "OOoohhh" moment when the learning clicks for them.  It is so very satisfying, knowing I had something to do with that.

What I also love, is Maths Online.  It's a free resource for secondary students (and teachers, and student-teachers!) to add to their learning.  Whilst it is an Aussie site, anyone can register to use it.  It's set up to cover various mathematical topics.  Each topic is divided into sub-topics, and each of those has a narrated lesson with examples, and then you work through some exercises based on what you've just been learning.  Once you've entered the answers, the program provides you with instant feedback.  This is what I have been and will continue to use in order to learn all I need to pass my numeracy proficiency test.  I'm discovering that I actually quite enjoy maths, once I understand what's going on.  It's the not understanding that impacts on the enjoyment.

Chris Fabry & Glenn Williams talk Parenting, Drugs & Alcohol

Chris Fabry

Glenn Williams

I have just listened to a superb interview between author and radio host Chris Fabry and Glenn Williams, both of whom I have a deep respect for.

I have read Chris's adult fiction books for the purpose of reviewing them and recommended 'June Bug' as one of our book club selections for this year.  His writing is authentic and engaging and brimming with topics that are worthy of discussion.  I just heard his new book 'Almost Heaven' is nearly on bookshelves and I can't wait to read it.  Chris's personal story is incredible and the circumstances surrounding his family's health problems added weight and credibility to 'June Bug'.

Glenn has authored a couple of parenting books and has extensive experience in working with young people in all manner of circumstances from youth pastor to youth worker to psychologist.  He has recently stepped down as COO at Focus on the Family and is starting a consultancy firm that supports not-for-profit organisations.  He has been heard on Melbourne's Light FM over the past few years offering parenting advice, tips and encouragement. I recently reviewed Glenn's newest book "Talking Smack:  Who's talking to your kids about drugs and alcohol if you're not?".  I have recommended this book to all of the Year 8 parents in Our School as 'required reading'. 

This morning when I was checking out Glenn's blog, I noticed he'd tweeted about doing an interview with Chris about his book, "Talking Smack".  Of course, when you discover two men like this having a conversation, you need to check in and have a listen.  And so I did.  Glenn's interview with Chris can be found here.  You need to click on Hour 2 (on the right hand sidebar) and their conversation begins at around 11 minutes in, until the end.  So make sure you have some time!  If you have teens, I would encourage you to listen to this interview together.  If you have younger children, Glenn has some great insight and encouragement about talking to them about drugs and alcohol.

Thanks to Chris and Glenn for sharing your discussion with the wider world!

Big Picture Parenting

Every season of parenting has its challenges. I used to think, when my kids were toddlers and nearly Pre-Schoolers, that I would never see the end of that phase in our lives, with all its frustrations and difficulties. The Terrible Three's were no fun!!!! I now know that each season lasts for but a nan0second and one should relish the joys and enjoy the good things that each parenting season brings.

I was discussing my current challenge with a friend today. A challenge that relates to shaping the character of my children. My friend is a fount of common sense and wisdom. Her view gave me something that smoothed over my ruffled feathers and reminded me where my role as mother ends and the choices my children make begins.

How do you deal with issues of personal integrity, honesty and responsibility? How do you speak those truths into you children's lives so that their future choices are more positive?